Many thoughts. His heart.

Everything within me is fighting the urge to delete majority of my older posts. I could, and I might-- take down the ones I don't necessarily agree with anymore, the ones where I know for a fact that I was trying too hard, the ones that I was awfully proud of and now two years later looking back judge myself for ever daring to be. (I also, have since taken three writing classes, I read a whole lot more and have seen my faith take on new beautiful and refreshing forms) It's a sort of self-sacrificing thing, to have a blog or write a book or be interviewed. It's like a self sabotage because what if you don't think  the same thing the next day, what if you feel like a fraud and a fake. What if you improve in ways that your old posts wouldn't give away to? But we do it anyway, you know?  I started this blog two years ago, unsure if anyone read blogs or wrote them for that matter and looking at my very first post, I now see that I didn't even introduce it. I guess I ...

  O f what importance is my way of seeing? How important is my way of seeing people? How important is the way you see yourself? How does God see you? What does he see? Is there any chance that we can see ourselves truly, see how God sees our true selves and then, see people truly and see them how God sees them? (technical I know, sorry) What if you were more purposeful about focusing on how God sees you, despite you and holding on to that, because would you dare to see and therefore treat people any less than how He sees and treats you?  I have a big thought that I'll hopefully narrow down soon so bear with me. “One of the worst things one can do to oneself is not know oneself. The good, the clean and the shady.” - a note to self in my journal from a few days ago. Here's a snippet from a novel I read titled The Wise Woman by George McDonald. “... the wise woman caught up the mirror and held it before her (Agnes): Agnes saw her Somebody(saw herself)-- the very embodiment of m...

You know those sights that you never want to forget. trains are always gonna mean so much to me from now on. The Lord gives me glimpses of Himself.  Of this I'm so very convinced.  I don't say this out of pride, to illustrate that I see that which you can't or haven't ever.  No.  He gives the glimpses to all but most times our eyes are lazy. Settled, okay with and satisfied by ugliness and the fruit of bad theology.  I had never really pressed into the idea of art vs beauty up until a couple days ago. I always thought of them as twins. Inseparable. Because when I think of art there is usually a connotation of beauty with that thought. But if you really think about it, there's art that's ugly. Art that disturbs. She was saying, the lady I was having a conversation with, that all art really is, is an outward expression of our perceptions of reality. That's broad. Beauty, is narrower, It's truest source in one thing; God. And He shows me Himself in all the ...

To be honest, i've been spinning round and round in my head, for an amazing introduction-a great abstract to use to bring the truth i wanna share to life, a way to have you expecting the next word and the next because you know, it's been a minute since i wrote anything up here and there's a couple cobwebs i need to clear. I haven't gotten any-except for confessing what i just have. To sprinkle a little more honesty across this page, a prayer i read(yes, i read prayers, because sometimes all i can say is an amen to the request of another saint; as we are more alike than we think and more collectively in need of grace than we'd maybe like to admit) said, "O Lord, thou knowest my present deadness." And it's almost like a heavy weight was lifted-i understand this may be for a few, or for you to understand that the predicaments of the faith are deep and great. I'm where i want to be, lacking no good thing. Happy, healthy and feeling c...

Sort of glad that only a handful of people read my simple raw line.   ''I'm learning to listen. not going too great but I am.'' Ha! Y'all really thought I'd write a post that short and leave it at that? Man I thought I could. Best believe I was very uncomfortable with it. Probably a blend of the fear of being misunderstood and feeling naked  because who likes to announce the things they know they are not good at? Or the traits or the lack of them there of that need improvement? I would like for people to think I get a lot of things right but I in fact don't. It's almost like I mess up more than I don't. I hope you aren't sensing false vulnerability from reading this because it seems an awful lot like that. Where someone (me) thinks that by touching the surface of my imperfection (very vaguely if I may add), that someone else (you) will relate with me on a more human realistic level ( which is always the secondary hope I have when I write to y...

I'm learning to listen. not going too great but I am.

This is the most spontaneously I've written so far. Where I immediately grab my laptop with little thought and plan and get at it. Refiner by Maverick city (a band that is in every way heaven sent!) is playing in the background. It's a song I fell in love with the first time I heard it. And couldn't stop singing it. And then, all of a sudden I stopped singing it. I was too afraid to. I couldn't. Here's a snippet of the lyrics; I want to be tried by fire, purified. You take whatever you desire, Lord here's my life. Burn me beautiful, burn me holy. Burn me righteous, burn me lovely. I want to be really brief today so I'll say, after a pep talk of sorts from my friend, he put things into perspective reminding me that if my loyalty and heart really belongs to God, then I should be ready for his chastening. For the ways in which he desires to purify me. I should really want to burn for only Him . I shouldn't be afraid of singing the song in simpler terms. But...

There's something special about this song. ''Have my heart" by Maverick City. They're probably my all time favorite band at the moment. We are (especially if oli mulokole (are saved)) so used to the phrase ''Given/give your life to Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.''  I'm curious about when that started being the phrase actually. I'm not bashing it. It really is the semi-final chapter of the beautiful book of the Gospel, with pages of how wrath meets love wrapped up in grace. How sinful meets holy. The story of reconciliaton and forgiveness and hope. Of the goodness of God on all of mankind. The story of eternal life. And the phrase is usually coupled with ''Let him into your heart.''  And that sounds great in the moment. And is. It's so magical that it sounds either stupid or like a wonderful deal that you want in on. Anyway,  this song had me dropping everything to sing it out. ''ohhhh oooooohhh oh you can...

    David, King David of the Bible, severally reminded and instructed his soul to bless the Lord, to put it's hope in God and so on. It always confused me as a kid. I thought it was weird and odd that he would have to tell his soul what to do.        It's enthralling what helps put things in perspective for me and it's even more fascinating how random they can be. The news, a conversation, a line in a movie and don't get me started on song lyrics. Or Scripture itself! Anyway, anything and anything, and if you're old here you know, will leave me thinking.     So, I was scrolling through Instagram lazily because it's now become one of those must do but really don't have to   routines. Funny how I love social media but hate it too. There I was looking at all this stuff, again about nothing and all things, flooding my mind with quick two second sights of I don't know, beautiful black women; drenched in cooking oil (those models always look like t...

''MARVEL! you are not your work, you matter and are so valuable, I also want to say that the recent spoken word you put up was amazing.'' read the text Alyssa sent me soon after a post I put on instagram. I was overly excited by her feedback (compliment) as I usually am because like most creatives I think, the comments are definitely not taken for granted. Ever.  Anyway, when I first saw her text I thought, '' Well that's random. Why is she starting her sentence like that?'' ''Why is she calling me valuable? Does she think I don't know that already, maybe?'' And so being myself, I asked  her. Being gracious, she explained. I am going to talk about myself as briefly as possible and say being a creative,  people will talk about your talent. People will cling onto what you can do, and maybe even possibly, for how it could help them later. And it's great, until it isn't. But it would take a whole lot to get to the isn't. Y...

It keeps me calm, the reality that with  all the unknowns, by Him I am fully known. I am learning to let my soul know that very well. I am aware that there's more to life than just me. Yes, the picture is bigger. Yes, I am not my own, at least not anymore. But I still hope to be seen. And known. And heard. Sometimes maybe more than I should desire and sometimes maybe out of proportion altogether. And maybe that's okay.  Anyway, it keeps me calm, the reality that with all the unknowns:  barely even knowing myself. Thinking I do, and then realizing maybe I don't. Thinking I have it together and then realizing maybe I don't. Wrestling with the forever questions, the forever paradoxes, that He knows me fully. I cannot know in full. even the love of the Father, Paul prays that we grasp and then says that we can't. even the things of the Father, Paul says now we know in part and then we will know in full. But to be certain that I am known, that's love. That's as m...

I find it quite fascinating that the day before George Floyd gets killed brutally and publicly God starts teaching me about racism. You’d think that I should and would naturally obviously know and know.  I knew but have been so detached from the topic as a whole.  I want to blame it on being a black person that grew up in Africa but maybe that’s no excuse. I want to blame it on being christian and thinking that fighting for justice is unforgiving but the confessions of me, this black indifferent person are these; I was putting forgiveness over wounding. Healing over bleeding. Idealism over reality. And I see that I was wrong. I read an 8 paged article by Karen Mains, a lovely old white lady that I have gotten to know over the past month titled 'Confessions of a recovering racist' and the timing was insanely perfect. A day before George loses his life. The exposure the books she ,Karen, read that summer forcing her to write her article gave her a better understanding of how sys...

Hi. My theory of what life is really about. At least for now, is this; If I say the word straight up, you might leave me too soon so watch me drag this out. I was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago when I closed the discussion by letting him in on my conclusion of what life is about. He agreed.  The conversation was on several things, ranging from details on grief to ones talking about love. To how life's hard and can sometimes be easy. How we can really never know everything. A lot of the perspective I am about to share was informed by one of my favorite books where the author talks about the overflowing nature of God that intricately and intrinsically brings forth and out life.  So full of it that all he can do is give of it. and so here we are. in a world so dark and yet so bright. with scents and sounds in nature to echo this life giver. with artists and talents to portray His creativity. Giving. I love love love a good poem, if you're old here, you probabl...

            i was supposed to post this on the nineteenth of april, when i turned twenty but clearly that didn't happen as i am ten days late. but here goes. better late than never. and also, future employer if you are reading this, this does not mean that i am bad with time and managing it and beating deadlines. ( i know a couple of my homies are laughing out loud right now.)              I'm reading a book; Delighting in the Trinity by Michael Reeves.  I've only covered one chapter but it was so good that I'm here and you're here too so let's dive in! Trinity. I'll quickly tell you what it's not. It is not something to shove to the back of your heads as a by the way, oh yeah ''He's three in one, whatever that means.'' I know things that  you can't really make sense of are hard to find beautiful, but stay with me. This is.               Trinity. God is three in...

Hold my face if I should wander. When my thoughts are far from home. When my faith is going under; remind me I am known. There's a little boy, that's not so little anymore that I grew up with. I grew up with several little boys. Six if you want a number. One of them my brother and the rest neighbors.  When I heard those lyrics above in the song, ''This close'' by Stefanny Gretzinger that little boy immediately came to mind. Kakuru. He's a special boy. Smart, beyond his years actually. He's funny and quite a handful. He always had an idea. He was so destructive but only because he is innovative.'' The remote control car can be more than a car, let me make it a helicopter.''  his thought processing that would be evident as he'd silently fidget with parts, always asking for tape and batteries.  Kuru is also stubborn. Hands down stubborn. So defiantly stubborn it hurts. I'm sure  I've had to hold his face to rebuke him. And s...

Home. If you are a visual person, and I quite frankly think we all are, something came to mind. And maybe along with it a smile, or honestly, maybe not. Being a student ‘’studying abroad’’ I’ve had the blessing to call several places home. Several places to love and be loved. Five, if you want an actual number. And in Uganda; my best friend's house, my neighbour's and my parent’s house are all home.  Or maybe for you home rings a very special bell and the idea of having more than one doesn’t make sense to you, or in fact sounds like it would be great, better. You know, that’s okay too. Before I try to make everyone in some way, relate let me drive my point home .  I was having a conversation with a  lady I look up to in this walk of faith, who is growing  very dear to me, and we were talking about silence and solitude; a spiritual discipline that is one of the hardest and rarest, so much so that there is a big chance you have no idea what I am talking about. A ...

               I saw a tweet today, a couple thousand likes. a couple ten hundred retweets. It was a tweet on vulnerability. "You're the only person I am vulnerable with." With a clown as the image. two clowns actually, maybe, I think. Anyway, it's funny how much the people relate. So we like being vulnerable? We like letting guards down? We simply pick and choose?                Someone pulled the rug from under Lewis Capaldi and now we have a song for ages. But we still pour ourselves out?  A girl on instagram posted a video saying she, ''ain't got no favourite colours left to give.'' And it is not hard to go from favourite colour to soul ache. Anyway, vulnerability. Earlier this year, I listened to a song called Sails. Hard to be honest, keep our hearts open, to  be who we truly are. the lyrics continue with a great but; here in your love, Lord, there's no pretending.      ...

Picture an onion. A brick fence. Layers right? there's purple, then a lighter purple, then a lighter, then white. At least the onions in Uganda. There's a foundation we don't see, then brick and then brick and then brick. Layers. Picture your life. Layered. I was telling a boy I sit next to in one of my classes how deep we are without even noticing. That's just how we operate. We develop coping mechanisms that become engraved in our personalities, we develop hobbies that become part of our life style, don't get me started on the ''things we can't do without.''  Everything is almost a reflection of something else. There's more echoes than we realize. Nothing is just just. Fine, rarely are things ''just.'' We only have tomorrow because we get through today.               Shadows. That's what the past dares to act like. A shadow that lingers subtly behind. Deep without even noticing. I said and thought that because...

Lord, I want to learn to turn my eyes upon you. I want to learn to look full in your wonderful face. I want to want you.  I want to know that nothing else will do. It’s a struggle every time I walk past that white board. With beautifully scattered writings of your character.  “What’s the sweetest thing about God's character to you?” ‘’His grace.’’ one girl wrote. Another ‘’His kindness.” “He never changes, always constant, faithful, ever present.’’ I walk by every time. I stare into the white board.  I almost grab the marker and then I do not. I could write about his passion for my heart. His pursuit for his sheep and the tenderness of his shepherding.  But I don’t. Can’t bring myself to. I am tired of head knowledge for I am it’s queen.  I play with words like a guitar player has fun with strings. I don’t want my worship to be to uphold my talent. To enhance my already "well established wisdom" well. I want to learn to w...